“The broken egg”
There was a broken world, with a broken man and a broken girl.
“I have never been away from you
even though it seems I do
we have always been together
forever
me and you”
I am Sean a vegan, committed to non-violence and a chronic paranoid schizophrenic
since the age of 18 or so.
I was bullied at home and at school. One day I shot a pencil at my elder brother with a toy
gun that I loved, it was stamped on and my older brother smashed my face in. When my
father came home he started to hit me so hard, in a complete frenzy with a piece of wood
on my bare bum, that I was screaming for the whole 10 minutes, when it happened. It was
absolute pain. It was done away from visitors and in a part of me that wasn't going to show
up at school the next day.
I don't know when all the beatings started, but I remember at the age of three I was at a
farm with my little friend Sandy, who decided to break her mummys 78 records, crack, she
snapped them, and when I got home I got a "hiding". I remember being smacked in the
high chair when I spat out some sausage that I really hated while being given meat for the
first time.
We had Bobby a black labrador. Black Labradors I am told are very naughty – that's their
role, well Daddy trained it with a large lump of wood in frenzied beatings where the dog
would squeel uncontrolably without any hope. Bobby would know he had done wrong and
in an almost human expression beg for forgiveness – there was none.
By the age of five I was terriffied of the beatings. I remember my first suicide attempt at
age 5 or so when I ate poisonous berries on knowing I was going to be brutalised once
more. Angus would use them or lie to get me a "hiding".
When I was four years old we had a pet labrador, Bobby, that needed walking, but there
was some trouble over the walks so dad tied him to the back of the mini, and went on a 10
mile trip dragging the small dog along till its paws were bleeding. When he got back home
we were in a state of shock and crying, "One more whimper and you'll get a hiding!" He
beat us both within inches of our lives. As a person committed to non-violence I find this
unacceptable and think he would be punished with jail time if he treated an animal in this
way today. He trained it with frenzied beatings with the club that he used on us and it
would squeel and howl in agony, frenzied attacks on the small puppy.
That's it. The beatings were so severe they could be heard all over Ottery, frenzied savage
attacks on a tiny little boy, not just me but on Angus as well.
When I was eight I was sexually assaulted * by two boys. Again I was raped when I was
about twenty five years old, I remember having my test and my first big motorbike around
that time. I may have been twenty five.
* The two boys attacked me in a living room in a house near where we used to live, "This
is where the larks begin" said one of them trying to undo my trousers, eventually they
pinned me down, removing any necessary clothes, and played with part of me till I
ejaculated. From that moment my life changed, I tried to get help from my mother and
even the catholic priest but no-one tried to help where I didn't even think that I could be
helped.
When I was ten the school bully started to bully me, my older brother used to bully me as
well. B J made me go to the toilets with him and tried to get me to kneel down and put his
thing into my mouth, sucking, of course I didn't and got beaten up for it.
When I was fourteen my dad used to eat strong cheese, I never ate cheese I hated it. The
blue stuff, he got the wrapper and smeared my face with it, he said it was "OK because its
funny"
Later that year he burned me with cigarettes. It was "OK because it was funny"
He said his air rifle was weak as it had a weaker spring in it, and used to shoot neighbours
cats with it, the pellets would "bounce off their fur". Although he used to shoot and kill
sparrows with it at the same time. My family think shooting cats with an air gun is OK,
what am I on about?
While washing when I was 12, he banged on the bathroom door, "Get out of my damn
bathroom you rotten little bastard!"
He died in 1982.
He can't hurt me anymore.
Angus died in 1998.
I was beaten up in 1980, they kicked my head like a football causing some organic
damage. I saw a white light had bad headaches and sickness next day with a broken nose
and a broken cheekbone. The hospital was unhelpful.
These bullying patterns kept repeating themselves, until eventually when inner child work
hit our shores in 1993, I started to grow spiritually, and eventually knew I had to let go.
Meanwhile while at Uni, I realized I would get murderously angry for little reason and
sensed this was wrong the counsellor said "what are you angry about?" "nothing" I said,
so "then there is no problem" but there was still a lot of anger. It's easy to lie and descredit
someone with schizophrenia, even if only for your own ego to avoid uncomfortable
feelings the past may incur.
So, my family were systematically lied to. "You weren't bullied at school" said one relative,
who never went near my school, she knew "psychically" all about it without even having to
check the facts. People in my family developed opinions on events that they had never
been privvy to. Because of what happened and the condition I ended up with it was easy
to completely undermine and discredit me behind my back. A family member even lied
about the motorbike accident injury, saying "it was only a scratch I don't know what all the
fuss was about" Even though she never saw the injury or at least only saw it on about
week 14 (it took 17 weeks for the skin to grow back, up to then there was bone and sinews
poking out, they used a biege grain called granulflex, so why did she have an opinion on
my knee when she never saw it till week 14 or so of the recovery?)
So I was living here and someone moved in upstairs who lived at no 12 Higher Spring
Gardens when we lived at no 13, when all the beatings took place. He wrote a signed
letter saying half of Ottery could hear the screams. Screams for mercy, there was none, for
me anyway. His name is William Crawford, he lived opposite. Opposite me here is Gladys
who lived I think accross the car park from us at No 13. I will see if she will write a letter,
when someone systematically discredits you they should be aware that there are other
people that know and care.
For now I am having to forgive what happened to me. My family keep denying and this
makes it so hard to let go of the pain. Daddy said forgive me if that's what you want and let
me deal with the family. Of course it wasn't daddy, it was the evil spirits that talk to me,
they were lying and nothing has been done about the family, all that has happened has
been that with lots of work I have got nearer complete forgiveness, but the family are
preventing this. Imagine someone has picked up a red hot piece of iron, the nurse says
"nothings wrong" how is this going to help the burning man? It's as bad as telling you to
"snap out of it" or "there's no problem". I know it's just her ego lying to protect itself from
imagined guilt, but it was never about blame, it was to forgive so I could move on. In light
of this the family have been more a part of the problem than daddy was. At least I had
some chance of moving on, originally. One relative said about my wrist injury, when I had
said why did they just put a butterfly on it and not stitch it "Why should they?" On easter
sunday night 1979, I had an arm injury followed by 2 near death experiences. The pain
was immeasurable. I hated my life and wanted to stay in that warm home, when I was
shown I could never come back if I went further I fought to go further "I hate my dad and I
hate my life" I was 17. Suddenly I knew everything, which unlike a 17 year old, made it
hard to fit in. My friend says that you measure Urea levels, blood pressure and body
temperature when there has been a lot of blood loss. I guess when the BP drops as you
bleed out, the kidneys stop working which would be why they measure urea levels, I don't
know I am not a doctor. They should have controlled the bleeding and stitched it. Not put a
butterfly (basically a plaster) on it.
I only want to forgive the past, I dont want to blame anyone I want to let go and people are
making this impossible.
Daddy also kept a loaded 0.22" calibre rifle in the wardrobe, I know because mummy told
me. She said she was dusting and the thing nearly went off. If you have got a gun you
want to one day use there is no point in not having it loaded, might as well not have one,
who was he going to shoot at I wonder?
Here is a scan of a signed letter from William Crawford:

My experiences with JC and Hell:-
"I have now emerged from a kind of craziness. Don Quixote imagines there is a damsel in
distress in an enchanted castle and goes to rescue her. His spanish imagination is to
blame she is a bar tart and it isn't a castle just an Inn. I knew JC for 6 years and didn't
know what was happening to me, after we had had a relationship I needed her but didn't
realise I was falling in love.
The whole magical landscape of falling in love had begun, and was final and absolute, an
illusion created by I don't know our hormones and neurotransmittors and the wiring of our
brains, what we see is altered by this illusion, this magic. Quixotic is the word. So I kept
seeing her as a friend. Then when I told her I couldn't live without her she got angry and I
never saw her again. The pain was so intense and lasted days weeks months and years. I
would make model boats and things for 2 hours when I had to think about something else
but then immediately afterwards I would be depressed again. I would think about all my
friends who had done it sucessfully and the methods they had used. Hanging was always
a reliable way. I thought what it would be like in Hell afterwards. Every second hurt like
Hell. I cried myself to sleep nearly every night in 2009. It went on for years. I wondered if it
was love or a dark obsession as love shouldn't hurt that much. Maybe it was love because
it hurt so much. In the end my doctor put me on antidpressants as my life was in danger. It
went on for years. I cursed the day I met her on friday 10/10/88. The day I enrolled at
Portsmouth University. The day I passed my chemistry A Level and even the day I was
born. How could I love someone that wanted me dead? She told me to go away and hang
myself I was stupid just grow up!
"Here is your stupid letter JUST REREAD IT!"
"Leave my sister alone leave my family alone LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I still love her but have made my peace with her. I can see a picture of her married and
happy and it's enough for me to build a bridge to her where I feel no hurt and no
resentment. I can't resolve it with disdain or hatred that would not be a very long lasting
solution it would come back on me.
Tonight is magical, I have my friends around me, and I am not pining for someone that
hates me. I am not going to suffer. If someone knows you are under their power they will
nearly always abuse you. But when you are not in love this can't happen. It's safe now.
Tonight is full of magic. She says I am sexually deviant and won't tolerate me. I know what
she means, well during my recent meditations I discovered I had a "buried" memory of
being gang raped at 7 or 8 years old. Whole chunks of behaviour had come back to me.
Whole themes of my life including regressing to a fetus inside my mum when my sexuality
had already been decided at 1 month or so, 6 to 7 years old and watching a film at age 10.
Being born. All the issues of transexuality and that I am not gay or trans just mixed up
because of what happened to me and because of another rape incident when I was 25 or
so in 1986.
I don't blame anyone now especially not myself, I am lucky to still be here after everything
I have been through. Every day is a bonus. To have come through this is enough and if I
am a bit gender confused then so be it. If some girl condemns me for it so be it. At least I
understand.
Imagine being in hell every minute every hour every day, day after day, week after week,
year after year. This wasn't what she intended and it's not her fault, it was because of my
situation and my inability to move on due to personal circumstances which she knew
nothing about, normaly someone like me would get over it in a couple of days. (She
must've had a high opinion of me and possibly saw me as an "Equal" - no way! She is
clever whitty and nice and is a doctor as well!! She thought I was attractive and would find
someone soon and quickly forget her and the letter) Anyway it's what happened. As you
can see I still love her to bits. Just knowing this has made me well. Just understanding
myself has got rid of my sexual problem. Even though other people don't understand.
Kindness is stronger than hatred and healing eventually comes.
It is as if great chunks of my life have converged and a delicate tapestry has revealed its
shape even the worst things fit into it's weave, and meshed in all together. With love. "
I am a qualified professional astrologer and the only other person I had met who was also
an astrologer practiced Huber Astrology combined with Jungian psychotherapy – analysis,
was talking to me about forgiveness. I was on the right road but it would be a long one
because she said, that you could live to be 75 and you would still try to forgive but then the
anger would come back. So how deep were the wounds and the unforgiveness even a
whole lifetime wouldn't be enough. This seems to be true for me the anger keeps coming
back even though my life has improved a lot.
Anyway along my travels I learned from ACIM (A Course In Miracles) that we have not left
the Garden of Eden, all this is a nightmare of the Ego and not even real. "You can recover
the integrity that you lost as a child" The truth is the loss of innocence never happened,
the loss of integrity never happened. My life never happened, it was all a dream, a
nightmare but not even real. I was with God and part of me decided I was apart from God,
different, and all this madness came from this one thought, my ego. Of course it was bad
thinking and not even real, I am God and He is me, of course there is nothing else, my ego
doesn't even exist and I have never lost my integrity.
So what then seemed impossible (To forgive eventually) isn't even necessary or even a
problem. There's no great wound in me, no pain body, all of it all of it was an illusion of the
ego which itself doesn't even exist.
God is wherever I look, and lives in my heart!
What a thought!!!
When you enter into yourself, meditate, or do work on yourself, sooner or later you come
upon an idea. Your own divinity. In ACIM we are divine, not part of a greater whole we
ARE the greater whole and it is all of us. Why I like ACIM is like Mel Gibson's film (We
were soldiers) “no-one gets left”. In this war film he says to his soldiers that they won't be
left if they fall or not. If we would stop one person going to Heaven we will stop ourself. We
all have a divine nature and we are ALL to be saved. If God is the good shepherd, he will
save all of us, “no one gets left behind”. This is quite hard when you look at politicians that
cover up kiddy fiddling, but it has it's own attraction. I love thinking we are all equal and
totally and infinitely loved, not some of us - all of us and “no one gets left” Salvation is
possible!!
In the final part of salvation we go into somewhere like a room, where all there is is light.
We fuse with the light, which is what we are. We become Christ / Buddha the light. Before
this happens I think we have to have lived all our lives. In Heaven this can happen in an
instant. And we have lived in an instant every other persons life that ever existed, now we
really understand and this is part of the bliss we are feeling as we are absorbed into the
light and we become masters. Anyway I know there is somewhere much nicer waiting for
us dying is just stepping out of our bodies into pure ecstasy passing over our bodies like
music. No one that sees this place wants to return back here. I didn't. But here is not my
home it is really in that place where magic is real and dreams can come true, fierce
sunsets of magical colours that speak to us silently!
I asked the question again “How can any woman or object catch my heart now I have
seen the most beautiful (God)?” and “how could I let another make me fall so low?” I was
looking into the light, as I said it, and wondered how it was I had fallen so hard with JC.
The light simply said to me “I am her, and you are me!” Simple! I have been seeing her as
a separate body a separate ego. Now I see her as spirit. Things have become much
easier. Impossible things are happening so that I think forgiveness is Gods biggest
miracle.
Summary:
“"During my university course I wrote on a Valentine card to my ex girlfriend saying “That
god should shed a tear over the beauty he created!” She asked me “Was that you?” “No” I
said.
She gave me the greatest gift - a Broken heart (Like the Spanish “El Duende”) She was
like a Gypsy Girl with her black hair, eyes to die for, and those black eyelashes, and her
soul so beautiful - like a saint. She was my ex, and after I told her how I felt she said
“Leave my sister alone! Leave my family alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!! Here is your stupid
letter JUST RE READ IT!!”
This all happened more than 20 years ago, (1994). I never went back to her, I never
thought I would survive, and even now I don’t know, because with the passing of the years
I am not so well as I was in 1994. My heart will always be broken. Maybe"
I met up with her on facebook, but a week later she and her friend Mary both blocked me.
To see her happily married with champagne and her nice husband has made me so happy
and now I can let go. Even if there is no meeting of minds I already feel the job is done
and I can move on.
I feel like Don Quixote making up a whole story about a fantastical romance rescuing a
maiden in an enchanted castle. (The castle was an Inn and the lady was a prostitute in the
book!) But I am reliably informed that that is what people are like. I understand myself
better now, and I don't judge anymore, well I feel that I don't. How can someone hate you
when they don't have all the facts?”
I see daddy and feel no emotion. Only forgiveness for someone that never existed that did
something that never happened to a person that also never existed. The pain body doesn't
matter, my pain also never existed, I am not even real, and I have completely let go, well
now at least and that is something. I wrote JC a letter explaining to her my pain and
wanted to send it, someone advised me not to send it “It will be misunderstood” “Write her
reply yourself as to what the ideal outcome would be and what you want to achieve by her
reading it” So I wrote it down, tried not to say just how bad things had got, because none
of it is about blame in a word “Forgiveness” only. The thing is I sent her the letter and “her”
ideal “reply”. This is the email with all the names changed:-
University of B
JC
Dear JC,
I am certain how you would react to my two letters, so there is no need to let you see
them, but you might feel they are useful to you as closure. I need to say goodbye. I don't
want to drag up the past just say goodbye without remorse or anger. I have Cheryl now
and I adore her. I am able to move on. I am not sure you are able to remember your last
letter to me where you rejected me and wanted nothing more to do with me, I am unable
to forget it, but I am able to let go. When I tell you I was tortured and raped as a kid, I am
telling the truth. Its not a joke. A friend seemed to think I was joking. No. All I want you to
do is read it and say a simple OK, if it is more or less OK. I am not expecting you to do
anything though, but because I know you I feel confident about you, enough to show it to
you. I have changed all the names as I simply don't want anyone to know who you are.
Bear with me as I know you have a temper on you, try and not react till you have read it.
Hi! I wanted to share a story about a close friend. Jon and me were very close did
everything together at Uni. He was next only to me as the best Organic chemist on the
course.
He had a brief date with an undergraduate called JC. It went wrong, he ended up having
feelings for her, she had forgotten him, he eventually told her how he couldn't live without
her.
She reacted "leave my sister alone, leave my family alone LEAVE ME ALONE!" "I don't
care if you hang yourself, here's your stupid letter JUST REREAD IT!"
After a couple of weeks he had tried to get over it and her, and spent 4 weeks in a psyche
ward, she had been a psyche undergraduate completely by chance.
7 years later through situations that neither could predict or avoid, he started to need her
again. After 15 years the pain got so bad he would cry all night long and really needed to
let it all go so he went to Brighton to see her, said "I will see her!" and he did but somehow
held back, the idea was to just catch up and be able to let go of all the pain. Forgiveness.
7 years later he did the same thing but her eyes were not blue so he wasn't really sure it
was her.
He found her on facebook and tried to explain that he just wanted closure and nothing
else, she probably won't want to be his friend but just talking for 5 mins will enable him to
let go and "forgive" any "wrong".
So she blocked him, now unable to go forward and unable to go back. As a woman she
would probably think he is after her, but this is not true, he said he just wants closure,
forgiveness, for him and her, it is affecting him, as it has since 2009.
It can be done, it's just that the whole process will be very difficult and much harder
working from just one side of the coin. His brother and him, didn't need to forgive, as they
had made up before he died, there wasn't any NEED for forgiveness. All the childhood
fights were as nothing. This will be ideal, and it may well be that completely without any
help it may take many more years.
The person has forgiven his abusive father that tortured him as a child, and has forgiven
the man that raped him at age 25. And the boys that gang raped him when he was only 8
years old.
He just commented that he always tries to make things easier if there is a simpler way to
do something he does it that way by default, and making up with a formerly hostile person
obviates even any NEED for forgiveness.
It will all have to be done the hard way knowing this nice person is still hostile and will
never budge from thinking he is a male and after her.
He will in the end let go of all of it, it's just it would have been easier done in a different
way, that's all.
Jon,
Of course I want to help you! You poor thing to suffer so much and no-one knew anything!
I was frightened thinking you were weird and never realised why you behaved so
differently, you had been raped as a child and no-one knew, thinking you were weird and a
danger when it was you that was in danger and had suffered. I hope to be a better friend
now and love the fact that you are vegan as well, you seem to care about others including
your animal friends!
You were a victim and not a perpetrator and we got it wrong for that I apologise. If you had
times you thought you were gay so what? It's very normal nowadays to be gay, it is
nothing to be feared. And I understand about Beryl and how you worship her. You don't
want a relationship but to forgive the past. I meant what I said in the letter, but to be
honest I do have a temper on me and somehow felt threatened by your love. Not just
because I felt that you were weird but also because you could have damaged me also, as
I was also in love with you, and unable to deal with it rejected you out of hand, looking
back I can see that you would have destroyed me, partly because I did love you too. I was
very vulnerable to you and sensed on some level your anger, at being tortured and raped
and subconsciously knew I would be your victim, for all these reasons I rejected you and
wrote the letter that you say hurt you so much.
I am settled and happy now, I have my nice job, and Ken, and my three children, and
many many nice things, I have fond memories of you and would love to stay in touch,
maybe this can happen but I feel that this letter should be the last between us as you still
make me feel like a God, a Goddess, and it is not good for either me or you to go
backwards and not get on with our current lives, and you seem to love me just as much
and have chosen Beryl over me, it would be wrong to jeopardise both our circumstances
for a doomed love that never was, and never should be, and although I love you and you
love me, I am saying goodbye.
Goodbye and please forgive me the pain I seem to have caused you. Goodbye and I
forgive you any pain you caused me, and anything that you may have caused if you had
had me. Goodbye pretty man, goodbye.
All of the above is true, names have been changed for personal privacy reasons:
None of it is a joke.
It would have been nice to catch up, but I just want an affirmation of this, maybe it won't
come, and I have just annoyed you even more, maybe saying that is to misunderstand
you, because I feel I do, but there it is. And writing the "reply" to me is only how I can
imagine a reply, I am guessing and I suppose bits of it will be wrong.
So I am sorry.
Sean Madden “
I have been punching above my weight and it's over now, I have found peace. Interestingly
the higher self of JC says she is grateful as forgiveness has helped her, and wants to help
ME in any way she can. How nice! She has these amazing long black eyelashes, “Las
pestañas largas” So very dark, almost Spanish looking, black hair high cheekbones
contoured face and then those blue eyes. I don't feel anything anymore, just a slight
warmth. It was very worrying to be repressing romantic love, not always the best thing you
should be doing in astrological terms or psychologically speaking. None of that matters
anymore. It's over. And one day something will happen and I will realise I have moved on,
and will have even forgotten about her.
What hurts the most isn't the murderous anger towards me by someone I love, just that
she showed me how it “could” be, let me in, once upon a time she showed me love. Why
did she go out with me? Why play with me? And throw me to the dogs? Now I am useless
and thrown in the bin. It was the love that hurt the most, not the anger. I can forgive but
sometimes it's hard to forget.
“Aquel pa' recordar
otro pa' olvidar
Some dance to remember
some dance to forget”
“Hotel California” Eagles.
So it's my birthday 2017, and I have been struggling with forgiving the girl with the long
eyelashes, strangely up to this very day I have not been able to see her face.
There was a little peep at her face, it melted me. Then a flood of images that I have never
seen - all her previous incarnations everyone she ever was with me in present and past
lives. Now I know she loved me and why she pretended to hate me. If her love was that
strong the only way to get rid of me was emotional violence as, if there was any
weakness, she will be very vulnerable to any friendship or more on my part. I just wanted
to forgive her this will make it easier,
“I forgive JC who doesn't exist for breaking my heart which never happened, to me, who
also never existed, I forgive you and set you free” I saw her in the stars and I knew she
was me and we are both the light. “….And he looked down at the impossibly beautiful, the
impossibly delicate flower, and realised he was God looking down at himself..”
I cried myself to sleep (on my birthday) but at least now I can get on with my life and now I
understand. But what do I do? Am I a coward to remain as I am, or do the powers that be
want me to leave my lovely Beryl when she needs me the most? There must be a good
way to act. I am not going anywhere, Beryl!
The day following my birthday this year (2017) I was thinking how angry and fierce she
has been towards me, picturing it over days months years a lifetime, it was unbearable to
my sensitive heart, I pretended to have something in my eye, so as to avoid Beryl being
caught up in it as well. The higher self of JC didn't want me to cry, comforted me, “I had to
behave like that once but not for decades, now that you know the truth why are you still so
sad?” I made the joke earlier that I have seen enough rom coms to know that for someone
to hate me that intensely they must really love me. But there's many a true word said in
jest, and my problem with her being so intense was why? I didn't get it if I am a twat just
say “Twat! Go away!” but why this? And now I know why. She is running away the same
way I am, neither of us wants this, and she wants to be sure I will “go away!” quickly even
if not quietly. The hatred wasn't for long it just seems that way. On my birthday this year I
cried myself to sleep again. Although I knew what has been happening, and how it was
only a compensatory hatred not one from the heart. When I used to feel her around me it
seems to make sense we are fairly close in our soul group she showed me all her past
lives with me and I could see her in all of them, and her current and next life. After being
upset, I had said “I never ever want to be near you again, bitch” and she came to me and
tried to soothe me eventually after a minute show me her lovely face and then dozens of
faces all hers I presume from past lives where we were involved. I don't really care any
more about my sorry life and sad death, when I go into heaven things will be clearer, I am
disconnecting with most of it, whatever will be will be. The good thing is God will guide me
and map out what to do, anyway one day in heaven we will both know for sure, at the
moment it's very sad for me though. I have this wonderful Beryl and I adore her. JC has
this hot husband that loves her and 3 children and her nice life, I want her to be happy and
find peace the peace that I felt that was so deep, this is the only real peace. The peace of
the divine being, that is the centre of the unearthly light. The being of light that I want to
talk about in my NDE account that is downloadable from the web, please see below, so I
am going to describe the experience with this being of light and then I will include some
biography and then a pop psychology summing up.
Heaven and Hell:
“Heaven and Hell”
O Mother Earth
What have they done to you
Sweet Mother Earth -
a life so ancient
soul so young
Wrap me in your tender bracken
Wipe my tears away.
SEAN MADDEN
INTRODUCTION
Imagine a being, of pure light, thousands of times brighter than the sun; whose
countanence is pure love. And once surrounded by this being's light and love, you become
a part of this being - eternally and irrevocably united in some way to this wonderful light.
Imagine a being whose sole concern is for your welfare and your every need: who will
'wipe every teardrop' from your eyes and surround you in an immeasurable peace and
bliss. A being who radiates perfect knowledge of you and of all mystery. A being of infinite
majesty and yet humble enough to entertain our presence and sincerely care for us as no
human could. If this were possible, then mere human companionship would never fulfil
your need. Once a person has experienced this perfect love, no human affection could lay
a claim to their heart. This pamphlet is a record of my 'near death' experience and my
reflections on the encounter with the great Angel which is central to the experience. The
Angel Himself has several names, the first name I was made aware of was 'The Angel of
the Lord' but He is also 'Jesus Christ' and, no doubt if I was a practitioner of a different
religion, I would know Him by some other name. When I was younger, my attitudes
towards death were tinged with fear and doubt, but now I am eagerly awaiting the great
day when I will see Him again, Face to face. Following is an account of my first meeting
with this being of light. The meeting was out of the body and only of short duration, at
every stage I was hurried to my destination. During a conversation with the great Angel I
was aware of a prophesy with regard the Jesus's friend Lazarus, which I never
remembered until the appropriate time as if remembering them only when needed.
I used to excercise every day in the weight training Gym and go jogging. On Easter
Sunday 1979 I ran a long cicuit. I ended up on a road with cars zooming past in the dark in
the middle of the countryside. So I tried to get off the road and into a field. I climbed over a
hedge and slipped, I tried to catch the barbed wire in my hand (to avoid anything worse
happening) and missed, the barb tore longways up my wrist and forearm, blood gushed
out I took a few steps then I fell, I saw a beautiful orchard and beings. I believe I had
another NDE, in my parents house that night. I had lost a lot of blood.
The Experience
I walked towards the orchard, I was light (weightless) and felt pleasure all over. The
Orchard was silvery white and beautiful and sang to me, I saw those I knew but had never
met in this life, I was light and felt no pain, up to then my arm was in shreds and I was in
pain. I felt bliss and heard music, as I neared the beautiful orchard, I came to a cold
stream, I knew as if being told I can never come back if I cross this stream, I didn't like my
life so far, so I battled against it fiercely but found I couldn't cross it. Bang! I was back in
my body with headache pain and heaviness, it hurt so much, but I was alive again. Back in
my parents house I turned the fire up as I was freezing. I put all my clothes in the bath, I
ran cold water into it. The bath was red with blood. The fire made the room very hot. As I
slept my heartbeat got shallower and shallower and faster, at some point the beats were
so shallow and fast they became just one spasm. I popped out and saw the colours
coming from my parents bodies as they slept. I saw through walls and passed through
them. I lit up everything around me as if giving off pure white light. I shot off and the
mountainous hills were like molehills and I went through a black or dark space at speed. I
believe this was outer space. I eventually saw a small prick of light that became bigger and
as if playing music, it started to envelope me with love. It was alive! It spoke to me, it
worshipped me and everything about me! I said about prayers to St Augustine and it
wasn't interested, it didn't want to know how many Hail Marys I had said but only "How
much love was in your heart?" "How was my spiritual life on Earth?"
It wanted to know. It cared so much for me made me feel special and loved. It mentioned
something about Lazarus and how Jesus wept for his friend, the Holy Spirit weeps for it's
children, it made comments about when I would be 52 years old. I remember them now
but just after the experience I couldn't. I would fall in love and have my heart broken, and
feel I would never recover I should not try to commit suicide when this happens.
If you saw the most beautiful girl in the world and started to tell people about her how
could words do it? I tried to write it in a pamphlet, but I found it hard to describe in words.
This was published in 1986. I have even made a website with my story!
The Light asked if I wanted to see all the times I had been one with it? I said it would make
me egotistic because that would have been what my religion taught, I failed here. I only
wish I had taken his gift. The light was 1000 times brighter than the Sun, but never burned.
You felt you were the only one that mattered. It was ... the only description is pure love.
When I tried to write a booklet it was impossible because words are such a dim reflection
of this being. As I realized this light was God, there was a flash of light and I was back in
my hurting body instantly. I couldn't move and it hurt all over, so I prayed. The De
Profundis. Something like that. I moved my right finger, then my hand then my arm, when I
made the sign of the cross I was able to move again. For a week or two I could see in the
dark I had the light talking to me and I could read the thoughts of people around me. The
first thing the light said was to keep it quiet because if I didn't I would be locked up.
Gradually the light became less and less. I told people and the doctor tried putting me on
Largactil, but I was at peace and happy. That's not mad, right? Nuclear bombs and war are
madness, seeing something beautiful and being at peace isn't madness? Or is it illogical to
be happy in this mad World? For anyone to find peace they must be so out of touch with
what's really going on?
Perhaps the most rational memory and feelings evoked in me by this experience could be
epitomised in the words of George Herbert:
LOVE
Love bade me welcome,
yet my soul drew back,
guilty of dust and sin,
but quick eyed love observing me grow slack, from my first entrance in,
drew nearer to me sweetly questioning
if I lacked anything.
'A guest' I answered 'worthy to be here'
Love said 'You shall be he'
'I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah my dear
'I cannot look on Thee'
Love took my hand and smiling did reply;
'Who made the eyes but I?'
'Truth Lord but I have marred them
'Let my shame go where it doth deserve'
'And know you not' says Love 'who bore the blame?'
'My dear, then I will serve'
'You must sit down,' says Love 'and taste my meat'
so I did sit and eat.
George Herbert
The overwhelming memory that is always with me is of this good Angel's presence. A
countenance of pure Love shining, beautiful and yet humble. The light of this Angel of the
The Lord is brighter than a thousand Suns, it dazzles, but never burns, all-powerful yet
totally humble, and intimately considerate towards ourselves. Beside the good Angel my
soul felt naked and every part of my soul exposed, but never threatened, the radiant love
consoling me. The memory is irrevocable, cannot be effaced, but always inspires; and
helps to heal the injuries of life's trauma.
Before I was catholic, now am not impressed with Ave Marias and chanting. Only with the
Being of light. Who loves everyone and never judges. The light is not male or female,
doesn't judge or even care about right and wrong, it is amoral, just loves.
While I was in the light I felt loved more than at any point in my life or since, just
overwhelmed! Just - Wow! It did not matter about right or wrong or about time or gender
this light was beyond dimensions of space or time. Instead of saying this is wrong it shows
you what the consequences would be for an egotistical action, for example. Directly after
the experience I was very aware of the power of words so I would not lie gossip or swear.
If I said I would do something I would do it. I knew the creative power of the word. Falling
in love was so far off, because nothing compares to the light, nothing even comes close!
So you feel no one will ever break your heart or have the power to hurt you. Your words
are creative and you can influence things as with affirmations but the feeling was there that
the power of the word was even stronger.
I had to relearn everything. Like how to walk and how to write. My world changed
completely in one night. I remember simple things it was as if I was a different person. I
remember having to learn to walk again. And I adapted my behaviour as I saw what people
were really thinking. Evil wasn't what people normally see as evil, instead the dirt of people
was their anger or spite or because they were envious. I ended up keeping my mouth shut.
I remember going into my parents garden and now I took it in with all the senses
everything was crystal clear and more beautiful than ever. I remember a week or so later
going to my 6th form Biology, we covered the heart particularly ventricular fibrilation which
the teacher described in exactly the same way as what happed to me in the lead up to my
NDE. I remember thinking "That's it!"
The light is all there is and we are all made of it. There really is only one person and that's
the light. Ego might seem to say "I exist too" but the ego is only an idea of separation from
the light, which in my NDE showed me that we are all one with it. One day everyone will
realize this.
"You are the light!"
Hell.
There was no mention of Hell in the NDE. "I can't think of anything more hideous and man
made than Hell." I think a soul can slip into Hell as a state of mind but only in this World
and not in the next. I believe it's a state of mind only. And we are very different when in that
other World. We know more, we are more aware and wise and all we feel is extreme bliss.
On the other hand I have met people who have suffered immense emotional pain in thiis
World and to me that is the only Hell that exists and then only in the Mind, and only here
on Earth. Since writing the original account I have read 1000's of accounts of NDEs and
only once or twice seen hellish accounts out of 1000's. I know that the light feels for us
when we suffer.
As the Angel said to me "The Holy Spirit crys for her children!"
******************************************************************************************************
For Astrologers:
I intend to give you some more information about the NDE using an Astrological chart as a
guide. The entrance to the experience was via fasting for nearly a year. This was to
persuade God to let me see "Him". I had never heard of NDEs but had faith. Of course
God hated me hurting myself by fasting. I was looking for buried treasure and I had the
faith that I would find it. Going into it with this much caution was wrong, my "humility"
nearly sabotaged the whole experience and denied me a life review. People aren't afraid of
dying they are afraid of living. Watching life narrowly. Calculatingly as if about to be
cheated in some way. Death gets rid of that fear, energises us and gives us zest for life.
For me the after effects were spiritual enlightenment. I could sense others even read their
thoughts, some good, mostly put downs, some dirty, angry or destructive, sin became
different - life was dirty and when purified everything is clean. There is no shame and no
fear. All becomes clean and God approves of life, in every way. You need to tell people, but
the light tells you to bury the treasure - for now. Without self-control, they could lock you
up, just for saying the wrong thing to a doctor for example.
The point of power is in no longer being cautious and fearful, you can achieve anything the
light is always with you. The love is all you need. It gives you the courage not to be
frightened of living. The light spoke to me for weeks and helped whenever I asked it, it
shone around me. I seemed to be able to see in the dark, and into other peoples minds.
My idea of good and evil dramatically changed. When you have seen the ultimate, nothing
compares to her. I call the light a her, because of it's beauty. Everything is an anticlimax
afterwoods, nothing will ever come close!! The light can never leave you the light IS you!!
While away studying I was friendly with a nice girl, and wrote her a valentine saying "That
God should weep over the Beauty of what he has created" She asked me if that was me
that wrote it so I denied it. We were involved for a while and later I realised how strong my
feelings were for her. This was the "Lazarus mystery" (From my NDE) in the holy book it
says of Lazarus "Jesus wept" for his friend in the tomb and inwardly I know what was said
to me in the NDE, that God loves me and to never forget her (Gods) love, if I get hurt
imagined or otherwise to always know her (Gods) love, especially with the nice girl I fell in
love with even when she rejected me. Nothing really matters nothing will ever come close!!
The Holy Spirit weeps for her children!!
********************************************************************
***********************************************************************************
Samples from the website www.heavenandhellnde.co.uk
During my university course I wrote on a Valentine card to my ex girlfriend JC. There is no
separation. n spirit there is no separation in time or place.
I KNOW what I saw, I know what the being said to me. I don't feel I am right, believe I am
right, I am only telling you what I saw that night. That is how it is and you might expect
something very similar, when you yourself pass on. When it happened my inner beliefs
were challenged by this light and it's pure love, it's amorality inasmuch as it didn't judge.
And the total lack of religion. I was very religious at that time. I wish I could take your hand
and lead you there because there are no words sufficient to describe this light. No books
or religion. "WOW!" "JUST WOW!" ...If you are preparing yourself for your last journey I
hope this pamphlet will help you as I am only writing about things I have seen and I have
no angle on it at all.
Imagine you are driving along the road and you see a wonderful sunset it transports your
inner mind to a magical red skied place, a place you never go to, a place where magic
happens and dreams come true, and because we don't often go there most people aren't
aware it even exists. Well the purpose of all art is to take us to this wonderful place.
This light is amoral, it doesn't judge us, it just loves us. There is no good and evil no
religion it only asks us "How much love was in your heart?" Good and evil don't exist they
are inventions of man, of the sick ego. Separation is ego based we are really all one in this
light we are this light and as such are truly all together. So isolation and loneliness
heartbreak are creations of our ego. If we are all one how can we be lonely?
I can feel her all around me and it seems crazy, but it makes sense somehow. She drives
me mad because she's so nice. If there is no good and evil, at least in God, then
forgiveness becomes easy as there is no judgement and no blame. We KNOW God won't
judge so there is no purpose in forgiveness as there truly was no wrong. God is interested
in experience not right and wrong, what did we learn? Not why did you do that?
We need a vehicle that takes us to that place where dreams come true, but words fail us,
we don't want another image or another religion. Just know you are Him!
So I look back at my NDE. Some people say they can see spirits and read peoples minds
they can speak to all knowing spirits. But how would I be able to know this is true?
Immediately after my NDE I could see in pitch darkness,* I could see into peoples hearts,
and I had a light that talked to me surounding my head with light. I once said after seeing
the light this wonderful being so beautiful, how could any human lay claim to my heart?
There was a famous TV program where they asked a super computer what the answer to
God the unverse and everything was, after 400 years it came up with the answer "42". I
think if it was my story it would be "1". There is 1 god, 1 of us with many limbs we are just
1 of us, God!
*There are 2 kinds of light, daylight with its opposite darkness, and spiritual light. I was
surrounded in spiritual light and my third eye was wide open so I could see in total
darkness. I could see peoples auras. I could see into their hearts. This is how I know it is
possible.
God is wherever I look, and lives in my heart.
What a thought!!!
“How can any woman or object catch my heart now I have seen the most beautiful (God)?”
I was looking into the light, as I said it, and wondered how it was I had fallen so hard with
J C.
The light simply said to me
“I am her, and you are me!”
I have been seeing her as a separate body a separate ego. Now I see her as spirit. Things
have become much easier. Impossible things are happening so that I think forgiveness is
Gods biggest miracle.
Poem in Spanish:
"Cielo E Infierno":-
Oh Madre Tierra
Qué te han hecho
Dulce Madre Tierra
Una vida tan antigua
Un alma tan joven
envuélveme en tu tierno helecho
seca mis lägrimas
SEAN MADDEN
from the website www.heavenandhellnde.co.uk
After this last depression I have learned the truth about JC and myself, and all the things
that hurt me, are nice now, the silly love songs that used to get to me are actually pleasant,
I have my story to tell, but it has lost its energy on me or it's ill effect. If JC doesn't agree,
who knows what the "truth" is, I have found my truth her ego won't like it, unless she has a
similar awakening. Anyway getting away from ego, we are all one anyway, so for that very
reason I am right. But with God nothing is witheld, this is just a human habit and you
should know that God just gives and gives and gives. All the cruel implements of torture
have became vessels of pleasure. I have found my inner peace, Thanks to God!!
Additionally the eclipse of 07/08/17 and another 14 days later were still affecting me, one
on my natal Sun my birthday. Of course I cried myself to sleep on my birthday this year.
Sometime near the second eclipse I started to piece together why she would have been so
harsh in that letter, why so OTT? Just a simple "Fuck off!" would be most peoples
response and then put every letter in the bin. So I was talking to a friend on skype and
came to the conclusion that she may have been raped before the letter and Me as fucked
up as I am had triggered some of the traumatic memories for her. It became easier to
forgive this poor girl, and let go. It's not about personalities, we are the same being
underneath all the strugglings of our egos, we can hurt someone else no more than hurt
ourself. Her higher self has been so kind, after 100% letting go she says it is helping her
so much and she will make sure I "am rewarded"!! Her higher Self is God, just as my
higher Self is God.
So this is the end of my story – which I had intended to expailn my illness and pain and
eventually how I came out of the maze, I hope you can gain by my honest and painfilled
story, but now I am going to finish with some psychological notes, and a brief summary of
my life, if any of you would like to know more.
Life history, timeline:-
Born 07/08/61 11.45 BST near Honiton Devon (OSM)
Primary school Marist Convent Ottery St Mary, at age 8 raped by two boys, in the same
village. Began learning french at the convent. Got in a fight with Jon Kite nearly got
expelled. Bought a chemstry set at 8 years old. My first detonation.
Secondary school Sidmouth secondary school, bullied, one of the bullies tried to put his
william into my mouth. Bed wetting at 10, up to age 16. Detonated Hydrogen at 11, banned
from all experiments. No GCEs just four CSE grade 1 s. They (GCEs) would have cost
parents £2 per exam. Brewing and making ethanol. Was 2 – 3 years ahead in chemistry.
Paper round and gardening at Otter nurseries weekends
Farm job for summer 1976, dairy farm, general labouring holiday job. Bought vinyl record
player, for £99.00
1977 to 1979 For two years did weight lifting. 9 months of fasting with the goal of "Being
caught up into 7th heaven" like the man St Paul wrote about in the bible, didn't know this
was to be an NDE. After it happened didnt' know what had happened for 7 years till 1986,
when a boss showed me a book by Dr Ray Moody "life after life".
Sixth form college failed A levels passed GCE english. Tried Marijuana.
Gardening loved working in the grounds of an 80 acre hotel, near Honiton.
1980 Fights got in some fights, won a couple was kicked like a football while on the ground
had some concussion.
2nd rape 1986 was raped from behind by a bully. It had an affect on me as a man.
Girlfriends First time was great in 1984, patchy after that as I moved around a lot and
never found the love I craved in some of the relationships I had.
1st sex with TG 1984, went off the rails tried amphet 7 times, acid 7 times, and Heroin
once, by eating it, I was very ill.
Calligraphy and Hilary, met Hilary while in hospital this lovely beautiful person has known
me for 35 years and even though she was a top OT has kept in touch through all the pains
and agonies I had sufferred and has been a loyal and kind friend. In 1982 in Exeter
Hospital there had been a ward round with all the health professionals after they left me
alone with the lovely Hilary, who was only 24, I walked up to her "I don't love you, but you
are going to give me more healing than all the nurses doctors and tablets put together!"
and so we started to get know each other, she was the boss, and as a patient I always
looked forward to seeing her. Gradually over the years we got to like each other, and I
would write and she always helped me through. What would have happened if I hadn't had
her, heaven knows. I learned calligraphy with real calligraphy pens. It wasn't easy. I
wanted to do a degree in art / and calligraphy. Did my chemistry A level in 1986.
I had a room in Union rd, Exeter, found a free n easy landlord of a room in 1985, made all
sorts of wonderful chemicals in the room, caught myself on fire once. Lost 3 days due to
Anise which was 90% abv. Woke up with broken glass everywhere, it was Wednesday not
Monday.
Chem lab and the drug sqaud, a ford escort mk3 was always outside my flat, they
eventually raided me I was clean as I never took drugs, they didn't believe me. I had 50 Kg
saltpetre in the cuboard they never found it. I only wanted a jam jar but Frenches made me
buy a 50 Kg sack. We soon dumped it and kept a jam jar of it. They tried to entrap me with
a machete which I knew was a setup that was when they raided me after following me
home.
Was in hospital 1 year in 1982 met Hilary in hospital she was the head OT. A saint. We
saw someone try to kill himself in front of both of us, and I think I grabbed him to stop him.
Daddy died of a heart attack. Made it up with him before he passed on, cried at the
funeral, thinking of mummy now on her own. Aunty Winnie put her arm round me.
1979 NDE, I have already included an account of my NDE, for information only it was on
17/04/79, near Kings School Ottery St Mary. Easter Sunday night, 2am, appr.
Job 1984, gardening job on a scheme, where I earned less than the benefit I had been on.
Did jobbing gardening in my 3 days off every week, tried an array of illegal drugs and rode
a small motorbike. Went off the rails.
1986 chem alevel, after less than a year got a "A" "This is a classic paper " Said the
lecturer, holding my a level mock exam grade "A". Got a "C" in 1987 in the real exam.
1987 biology a level, "You are at grade "A" level but will get a "C", became friends with the
lecturer, she introduced me to my next girlfriend and gave me a job. 1988 got a "D"
1988 HND met JC, I didn't know what had hit me, WOW! On 10/10/88 went to a "fresher"
party in portsmouth polytechnic halls, I met her, and to begin with didn't feel attracted to
her, "Someone may not think you want her, you might not have the confidence to ask her
out, because you think she's too good for you, some people never ask the beautiful girl,
because they are not confident to do so" "I know who you are talking about!" "I won't say
who it is and you will never hear this again" It was about JC, she is pretty and knows it and
I never did have the confidence to ask her on a date even though I knew she wanted me.
She wanted to dress me up in womens clothes to watch the "Rocky Horror Picture Show"
my mistake was not being game for it as I had no confidence. Would have been great! In
the end she asked me out we had a date that I will always have fond memories of. She
asked me back for coffee, "I know it's not about 2 sugars and mmilk, or black? But I am so
drunk and tired I can't come back with you" she simply stated I will never have this chance
again. Next day I thought we had finished in effect, but she still thought I was hers, but we
didn't communicate hardly anything, and I thought she didn't want me anymore, to be
honest I was pinching myself was this really happening? That's how I lost her. And it wasn't
as if it was a 1 night stand, we never even touched. Well she got me to hold her hand
once. I somehow passed the exams and got a job as an organic synthesis chemist, with
an HND in chemistry and computers.
1990 Job synthesis chemist, JC dreamed the accident where a poor old lady lost her leg
"The leg, the leg! has anyone seen the leg?" Her leg had been chopped off in the bike
accident poor old lady she survived, airlifted to Derriford, 26/08/90 at 5pm BST. Tintagel
near Maybrige factory where I worked for a year. I had no support no friends just idiots
down the pub putting me down all the time. Had 2 girlfriends around this time from
Boscastle, a date with a rich girl, and a relationship with an A level student.
1990 bike accident
1991 lost job after the bike accident things got worse and I ended up with no job no money
and no home, "You are not coming home to bum off me!" "I am goning down the pub I will
be back at 11pm!" Sold my bike to pay off loan, ccj almost when bank waived the debt of
about £3250, which kept me from working as I would have had to pay every spare penny
for the loan.
Discrimination They said my job was secure and sacked me 2 weeks later, they told all my
future would be employers they thought I was a schizophrenic and I found I had no future,
as I didn't know they were doing this, I had no way of knowing.
1993 back on the sick, I was very hungry needed petrol and food to continue but had no
money to pay for the basics. Went back on the sick. In 1995 claimed DLA which is now
called PiP.
1993 letter from JC 4 weeks in hospital met cousin Patricia of Las Palmas de Gran
Canaria,
This is what I think of you letter, leave my sister alone, leave my family alone LEAVE ME
ALONE!" "here is your stupid letter JUST REREAD IT!"
It had been decided that hospital was the best place for me, in there I started inner child
work with ideas from Louise L Hay's book "You can heal your life!" When I opened the
chapter on money within 1/2 hour, Teeny my cousin came and gave me a tenner!
Studying Spanish from 1991 digame BBC course, in 2017 I had been studying spanish for
26 years.
In 1994 Moved into my best flat, They gave me a flat, with lots of space and a nice big
bedroom, it's 2017 and I am still here.
Cert ASTROL baps passed 1996, this was 3 years study and very hard - harder than the
chemistry HND, and is equivalent to a BA. That is because I was left brain motivated and
an arts humanities BA was using the right brain poetic art side, in a nutshell I was a
scientist trying to reignite the neural pathways of a diviner, or astrologer the jump was too
much so I just scraped a pass at this level (BA).
Met Beryl 1996 1st date, she was not a confident partner but is beautiful and I adore her,
we are loyal and dedicated. She has stood by me. We read each others minds. For
example, I had a recalcatrant helicopter, called Bitch but we had worked on her and
needed a more pleasant name as she no longer misbehaved. I said to Jim "Bonnie" short
for Bonita in Spanish "Yes" he replied. In the kitchen 3 hours later "I know what you should
call your heli" Remarked Beryl "Bonnie" "Short for Bonita in Portuguese!!" I let her say it I
already knew what she was going to say and to preserve the magic I let her say it and then
let her know what me and Jim had decided the name would be.
Went out with Tether Jill and Beryl, I had a relationship with jill for some weeks then Tether,
for some weeks, I knew I could go out with the really pretty girls but didn't want to go round
hurting people, I met Beryl when me and Tether fell out, there was a feeling of destiny
inevitatbility, not bad though just forces of Karma and destiny. I knew her before I saw her,
in about 1992 I had a vision of my soulmate she looked exactly the same as Beryl in 1996.
I had mistaken her for a MIND worker, but the likeness wasnt that good till I met up with
Beryl, Wow!
In 1993 I began work on my development and spirituality "Inner child work" had hit the UK
shores, with affirmations and pop psychology a distillation of Freud Jung and others and
the Science of Mind.
In 1997 I became engaged to Beryl, we would have married, but due to our situations
havent been able to.
In 1998 Angus, my brother died. They played "moondance" by Van Morisson at his funeral
and handed round hash joints. And Bob Marley. I am glad we made up as adults, he
bullied me but it was as if nothing had happened. He was a good guy.
1996 tried new medication for schizophrenia, in 1998 I was put on a new one "Olanzapine"
derived from a seven membered heterocycle with two nitrogens that I want to call a
benzazapine, like the structure of Diazapam, but different in effect, with its antipsychotic
effects potentiated dramatically. It only resembles valium in structure.
In 1999 I learned Italian. I have learned nine languages, translated 29 books to English,
undertaken numerous articles from Spanish to English over three years for 2
organisations, made a spanish film, and wrote a Spanish website, and wrote a book in
Spanish, translated Spanish websites to compare with a machine translated Spanish
website. I have written spanish poems and am working on a Spanish song. I have skyped
native spanish speakers for 1/2 hour in english and 1/2 hour in spanish every night for 11
years.
Twenty nine books that I have translated recently:
"Los Cuatro Acuerdos", by Don Miguel Ruiz
"La Maestria del Amor", by Don Miguel Ruiz;
"La Voz de Conocimiento", by Don Miguel Ruiz
"Oraciones, una comunión con nuestra Creador" by Don Miguel Ruiz,
"Cuaderno de trabajo de los cuatro acuerdos" by Janet Mills
"El dominio de la conciencia" by Doña Bernadette Vigil.
"Mas Alla de temor" by Mary Carroll Nelson
"Profesias Toltecas" by Mary Carroll Nelson
"El poder del ahora" by Eckhart Tolle
"El Cuidado del alma" by Thomas Moore
"El Quinto acuerdo" by Don Miguel Ruiz
"Autobiografia de un yógui", 706pp by Paramahansa Yogananda
"El Caballo Blanco" by George Simenon
"No me olviderás"by Emilie Rose
"Muerto hasta el anochecer" by Charlaine Harris
"Los Pilares de La Tierra", 1040pp by Ken Follet
"Un mundo sin fin ", 1184pp by Ken Follet
"La caida de los gigantes ", 1032pp by Ken Follet
"The Ice Palace ", 103pp by F. Scott Fitzgerald - To Spanish
"Bernice Bobs Her Hair ", 110pp F. Scott Fitzgerald - To Spanish
"Dalyrimple Goes Wrong ", 25pp F. Scott Fitzgerald - To Spanish
"Cien años de soledad ", 860pp Gabriel García Márquez
"El invierno del mundo ", 957pp by Ken Follet
"Umbral de la eternidad ", 1108pp by Ken Follet
"Dulce compañía" ", 213pp by Laura Restrepo
"Damasiado heroes" ", 221pp by Laura Restrepo
"Leyendas", 457pp by Adolfo Gustavo Béccer
"El Llano en Llamas", 140pp by Juan Rulfo
"El reino de este mundo" Carpentier
In 2000 I got in the sea, in January, I was a member of disabled sports club it was 1st time
in the air in a glider and the 1st time I sailed in a boat, and the 1st time drove a rally car,
In 2001 I joined a gun club shot 0.22 for 2 years and air pistol for longer.
During these years I learned Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, German, Irish, Arabic, Chinese
(Mandarin), and French.
In 2006/7 I began skyping Spanish student partners, talking every night for 1 hour, with 1/2
hour of english 1/2 hour of Spanish as a substitute for not living in Spain. So far it has
been every day for 11 years.
In 2009 I attended Brighton Vegan festival, saw JC near the stage, and at Salisbury where
I met a spanish skyper, Dianna, in March, that year, she is now a Doctor of English in
Spain, (Dianna).
In 2011 it was my 50th birthday. I met a skyper near where I live for 2 weeks of happiness.
She is a truly lovely lady. I went to a skyper in Budapest for about a week. I had a WRX
Subaru. Passed my Advanced driving from about 2005 more or less.
By about 2012 I built my website www.heavenandhellnde.co.uk and had some regular hits.
I made a Spanish mirror with editing of my mistakes by my spanish skypers. Got a job as a
volunteer translator with www.nderf.org in 2014, and with www.elhogarprovegan.org/ENG
in 2015 Summer, they both wrote me a glowing letter of recommendation.
I took Institute of Cervantes B2, in 2012, and 2013, two exams needed 66% in all units
exam nerves only achieved 60% on 2012, similar in 2013.
In 2016 I took unofficial Spanish Institute of Cervantes past papers, level C1, invilgilated
by Beryl and marked by skypers, in Spain.
3 papers 67% 83% 83% at degree level.
2016/2017
Past papers:
"A" level 1994 paper 90% grade "A",
30/07/17 Degree level 67%, 10/02/17 Degree level 83%, 14/01/17 Degree level 83% ,
Average 77% Degree level
18-2-17 Masters level 100%, 19/2/17 Masters level 50%, 20/02/17 Masters level 100% ,
Average 83% Masters level
17/07/17 3 papers Phd level 75%, Phd level 25%, Phd level 50% ,
Average 50% Phd level (bare pass)
In 2009 I used to cry myself to sleep every night, week after week, month after month year
after year, with no hope, there is no hope, why are we made like this God WHY WHY
WHY?
My pop psychology notes:
The inner healer is now released and the areas where this is emphasised are also the
areas where I have suffered, namely the times being rejected out of hand by the girl with
the long eyelashes (JC). Romance and rejection.
The world of sex was turned upside down by the first rapes at the age of 8 or thereabouts,
I identified as a female and could rarely feel any male sexual arousal, which conicided with
the two first rapes at age 8.
Now because of these and a later sexual assault I can't see myself and behave as a
completely normal male. In fact I have been through some years of doubt on whether I
identify as a male at all.
It was hard to be in hospital with girls that had been raped because I would understand
and see no future for them, maybe some would improve and then end up back in hospital
being fucked about and having a really hard time, in fact most of them a life sentence. I
find it hard to bear, a picture of someone on their bed just crying with no-one even to
comfort her. It's unbearable to imagine. How these lovely women are still here is a miracle.
Just to survive at all.
I regressed to my birth, birth is a good starting point as anything that is born of a particular
moment carries the qualities of that moment. "The Emporer" by Beethoven was playing a
militaristic beat, my dad was there, everything was so over macho, it made me by reverse
psychology more feminine. And it bloody hurt being born! My identitiy and sex were
defined well before 1 month in mummies tummy, I can see a young male at 8 years old,
then the rape, and crazy mixed up female and male feelings at 8, at 13 watching James
bond, knowing it was all in motion, I can't look back now, virilisation, and then I was 18 and
built like Bruce Lee through weight lifting. Then all this very strange inner sexual world,
throughout all these events, and in the middle of it JC writing the nasty letter because she
knew there was something very wrong, well, yes there was something wrong and I am
dealing with it madam, you don't have to make it even harder for gods sake I was tortured
and raped as an 8 year old, what are you doing to me? Why would I want you to make it
even harder for me? I am barely holding on.
God has given me a power animal and a spiritual name, the exact name reflects his
kindness towards me. God is so kind, he knows no other way, and He never holds back,
just gives and gives. Allah Ahkbar!!!
When I discovered why I was angry all the time and started to deal with it I was angry
every day, as I let go of events one by one. It spilled over. ACIM helped so much. And
keeping a journal. And praying. And meditating. And forgiveness excercises. There comes
a point first when it seems impossible then it is so hard, about this time you just carry on
and the excercise starts to yield, from this point things get easier and although you know
you have won, you still have to continue, then after a bit you have won.
I am not loving her just the energy within which is in alll of us. It's me it's you its JC and
Beryl too.
These experiences have given me an understanding of romantic and female issues, which
are very important to my current incarnation the rejection letter and all the symbols are so
characteristic of the dark face of Venus Aphrodite. My relationship with death and her
mysteries has developed and got rid of any fear of death and any fear of living. The pain
was unbearable. Every second every minute every week month year of utter despair and
pointlessness, and hating myself wanting to do it, maybe with a knife, but fearing Hell
afterwards. I tried it at age 5, age 29 twice and never again after that. I have had years of
Hell and now its over.
An addictive personality is important because it doesn't matter so much WHAT the
personality is addicted to, but THAT a person is addicted, whether it be alcohol, drugs, or
falling in love or any one of the "kicks" that there may be. The main aspects of an addictive
personality, seem to be summarised by the addictive person looking outside for inspiration,
love, kicks, when all is within, the sources outside dry up, but the spirit that lives within
doesn't. So the source of our nurturing is the little voice in our heart, and if we look outside
for kicks, we are becoming addictive. Anything that can be perceived with the 5 senses is
of our ego, and will if used as a source of energy, dry up. The small voice that lives within
is from God, so don't neglect Him in favour of anything that seems outside.
I will end with my poem:
JC
Came along into my heart that night
in her blue blue dress way too cool!
feel free to steal me rob my heart
too cool bloody fool go home
I hate you! she hates me
she´s still so cool, still such a fool
looking way too cool
all the boys drool all around her
Even in hatred she's cool
dancing all her moves rehearsed
breezing in from heaven
like a gentle heavenly kiss
like a tender unearthly bliss
like a fool like her idiot
boy, never in her heart
never there
forever apart
too cool for me
too cool to be
anyone for me
we are now apart
we were always apart
never in her heart
never in my heart
apart
poison in my veins
wish I was dead
can't get rid of
of this feeling
this venom this love
that she started
in my heart
why why why
die die die
I just cant go on like this
no release no heavenly bliss
straight to hell
to the furnace
where all the damned gather
once the fell deed is done
and I am gone
I am fading fast
going down to hell
where I should have been all along
why why why?
must I die?
without her?
Resources:-
Heaven and Hell website
www.heavenandhellnde.co.uk
Heaven and Hell Kindle booklet £1.99 (included in this publication see above)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XFH3745
Creative Story writing creative visualisation booklet 99p
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0716GNT55
Time travel journals, experiments on time travel using trance £1.17
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B071W4PP7H
Lovely NDE acounts from the biggest NDE www in the World:
www.nderf.org
sean258@tiscali.co.uk
Sumarising, the poem is:
"And as he looked down at the flower
Impossibly beautiful!
Impossibly delicate!
He realised that he was God looking back at God
And the Creator shed a tear
over the beauty he had created"
You know there will be no happy ending, the girl with the long eyelashes will never
contact me, evil spirits will use this ace card to manipulate and hurt me, while I
languish knowing she will never be my friend, pity she got involved in the first place,
kind of like having children then saying "I know what! I wish I didn't have children!"
We are not toys, to be taken advantage of or to be abused the way my own family
abused me. Even if she writes eventually I just feel pain now and no healing no
affection, just that I have been teased for long enough and want everyone to just
leave me alone, today was the closest I have ever been to killing myself the only 2
things that stopped me were my lovely friend Emma and my girlfriend Beryl that
would find the body in my bath. People say the ones that do it dont talk about it, wtf,
it doesnt matter what anyone thinks not even JC, or Beryl, it's too late, I will never
make it, and, inexorably JC will win and I will either hang myself or cut some main
arteries with my 15" bowie knife which is razor sharp. Some of my friends that are
not so well behaved would call her a prick teaser, and I am surprised she hasn't
been raped, though I never condone one person inflicting that much damage on a
more vulnerable human. If you have someone totally under your power you don't
hurt them without mercy and then some. Maybe she was repeating behaviour that
she knew about because it had happened to her. Tough.
My letter to Hilary:
"Hi Hilary,
I thought I would write a letter to you because you have been my lifelong friend and
have never swayed.
When I first met you I knew you would be more healing to me than all the nurses
doctors and pills all together. I liked you straight away.
When I was well enough to leave, you stayed in touch and when I finally went to uni
you were there for me, even when I fell in love with the girl that broke my heart.
After I tried to end it all you stayed by me. I have never met anyone like you. I know
we are not physical but after a lifetime of friendship I am so pleased to know you.
You were never angry with me, and even though I had anger issues you just knew
it was because of early abuse that had not been resolved. And made me carve out
some elm into a fruit bowl with such aggression that I expressed some of it.
You listen. You are brave enough to care. You are always there. You are the
nearest thing to God I have ever seen!
May the God that lives in your heart bless you!!
That is how I feel!
Your friend
Sean Xxx"
01/10/17
Mummy:
I was born with venus and the moon conjuct (together) in Cancer in the ninth
house. This was at my conception point, where the beauty was and protection and
care. This affected me making me a very beautiful person with a certain delicate
femininity that is extremely attractive to the opposite sex. Usually we are women
and have excellent taste and a leaning to the arts and music. Mummy was always
beautiful and as she gets older is still very nice.
I was not breast fed, this would have made me even closer to mummy. From an
early age I needed her care, and she has always been there for me all my life.
Whether inundated by being a parent in at the deep end or not she was always
there and always cared. On my first day at school she had to leave me and I balled
and balled, but some girls comforted me and hugged me and made it alright, I
notice neptune trine the moon, meaning this time a mother not being there. But
Venus the little girl was there. Often I feel like a little girl. You can over identify with
venus as in a man it is often seen as women around you not expressed, in my case
it is so strong and with both the moon and cancer it is all yin and some of it can be
exppressed and identified with. Beauty is important. Beauty can be almost spiritual.
When I see beauty it is attractive because it subconsciously reminds me of my true
home that spirit that person that we all love call him God if you want, who is the
most beautiful. This draws me towards beauty as it symbolises my true home, and
beauty is not skin deep or superficial but takes on a spiritual dimension.
When I was homeless mummy took me in. When I fell off my bike as a kid she tried
to make it better. When I lost my first love she told me about how I could have an
unrequited love which the poets and writers had talked about. When I met JC she
reminded me what would be on their agenda, and I said they would never want ME,
don't be so sure she said. When I tried to kill myself because of JC she rushed me
to hospital to pump my stomach. She cooked special meals for me and talked to
me. She can't understand why I am so hung up on JC after 30 years, it's that moon
and venus in cancer that wants to live in the past and can't let go to the point of self
anhilalation.
My mother is a saint. She helped me through Uni and wrote to me. When my job
fell through she took me in, she helped me look for work and when they didn't pay
me fed me from her meagre money. When I was "gay" she didn't abandon me. She
has just phoned me and do you know someone when you talk to them you end up
talking about yourself and not them? That's mummy, even if she has a problem
herself, she is such a good listener you end up telling her about your problems
instead.
In my creative writing work I use a mother figure to symbolise God, who is all
powerful, a friend called Hilary who is my mum. So strong is the maternal bond.
Mummy has mars where my sun is in the middle of Leo, where Beryls mars is also
and daddy's moon. He wanted her to mother him, he was the kind of man she
would want and attract, as me, and I am the sort of man Beryl would attract want.
Beryl projects her Mars onto me. The other end can be the problem, where my
venus and moon are is cheryls sun and saturn so sometimes she sees me as too
gentle and soft where I see her as too hard, and robust (mentally) Of course this is
an illusion (Neptune) and I am quite hard hearted, just that I need to be organised
before going into battle I need to think first to win.
One of the best placements of venus is in Leo, where the immature woman simply
plays in the warmth of the leo sun. In cancer she is happy next to the moon, and
she is deep, which I gain from mummy, often we talk about deeper things not
particularly normal for a mummy and son, but very deep and meaningful to me.
Pisces can be spiritual and so can my neptune and the moon. I used to fear that
one day I would lose her and my world would fall apart without her. Now I realise
that if we had been closer it would probably have been oedipol as for instance if
she had breastfed me, bear in mind she is a beautiful mummy, again venus and the
moon in cancer. When I was small I was cute all the little girls loved me and we
used to play. Really I was saccharrin and sugar coated you could see I was like
"Look how sweet I am" while plotting some innocent mischief.And superficial.
One hard thing with this moon placement has been a tendency to hold on to the
past and be unable to let go, my friend JC being my one downfall in this respect. 30
years have passed nearly and I am gone on her still why can't I let go Why Why
Why? It hurts like Hell, and I just want to die. Maybe I can get better using the
"Infinite way" By Joel S Goldsmith, it has worked a bit before. I am sure there are
other pretty girls to take away my pain. Beryl won't want to say this but maybe once
in my life I need female company. And I shouldn't have to sell my soul to do this.
"She's not there" Carlos Santana covered this song, "Her skin was soft and smooth
Her eyes were clear and bright, it's not the way she was, the way she acted, the
colour of her hair, but she's not there!" Neptune and Venus can be very beautiful
and attractive, such as eternal rest and the sleeping beauty. Of course beauty
wakes up, and this is a sexual awakening, beauty's job is to sleep till the prince
gives her her awakening. Well Neptune to the beauty is also the absence of her.
She's not there. This with all the illusion of loneliness has made life very difficult for
me. We want the departed to rest in peace, but they are not gone, not just "gone
but not forgotten" but not gone and not forgotten, remembering neptune is creating
an illusion. Venus and neptune can be almost god like, when a being looks at
another it can be god looking back at himself seeing only perfection in you. My
poem is typical of this and of neptune trine venus
And as he looked at the flower
impossibly delicate
impossibly beautiful
he realised he was God
looking back at himself
and he shed a tear
at the beauty he had created.
(Beauty – Venus
Tear – Neptune
Delicate - Venus
Looking – Venus
Spirituality and God – Neptune)
And he saw her face in visions of her, his soulmate and although not ready – 3
years before meeting her, he saw her beautiful face and inwardly knew she was the
one.
Would JC be there for him? Really! This is why the song "She's not there" is
appropriate. Even though she is there she's not available to talk to or send a letter,
ever had to mourn a person that's still alive? In this sense Neptune allthough
meaning not there, also means death as if being permanently away is like death to
the lover that has to mourn one already living, how sad!!
Mums are great but mine is the best, even held up to God by comparison and
elevated to a spiritual level!
Mummy there is no-one like you, don't ever change!!
Note on JC, and my future:
It would have been easier if I had had a little prompting from JC and been able to
let go more easily. So when I said to the light "How could I fall so low with just a
human when I have seen You the most beautiful?" "I am JC, and you are me!" the
light said simply. Also that why worry about what her ego says when her inner "I" is
the light itself. Obviously if I believe there is one God and no other, then there can´t
be JC and her ego, just her inner self. Her inner self loves me and there is nothing
to forgive, no gap no need for anything. To believe in her ego resisiting the light is
to believe in a good god and a bad god. So There is one power one god one JC
one me one you. So extending that to the Govt and the entire cabinet, I
aknowledge only the light within each of them and not the evidence of the 5
senses, and their egos, you have to look beyond the senses and see the inner "I" of
a person. Then forgiveness is not even needed. Why should I accuse myself? Why
would that persons "I" attack me? This is the knowledge that is setting me free.
Although I still love JC, things are steadier now, no great mood swings. And
although I cried myself to sleep on Friday, things are clearer now. I wish it could
have been easier, but now I know the truth it doesn't really matter any more. And
because I love her I am leaving her alone. I probably remind her of a difficult time in
her life, during meditations on forgiveness I was repeatedly made aware of this. I
don't know how hard it must've been for her. I will never contact her again, because
I still love her, and don't want her to suffer any more than she has already. It's a bit
hard for me, but it will be good for her.

The broken egg - Sean Madden epilogue
It was the worst I have had it. Pain. Only pain. In Hell there is only pain. Daddy, Maria, Maria Daddy. 
I love her, she hates me, 33 years since I met her. 1/3 century of misery. In those years I graduated fds and fda, I learnt 9 languages and attained C2 level at 65% in Spanish in controlled exam conditions. 
I have had so much hell in those 33 years. I remembered how she hates me, I had to fight the total desire to plunge my dagger in my chest every 5 minutes. I bawled my eyes out. “Angel, Angel, Angel, Guardian angel love me, help me, protect me!”
Somehow I felt better eventually.
She's a psychology undergraduate. Every thing is about boundaries and her own security. I know all of us are one, I am really transpersonal. Her ego my ego is a construct not a fact. An illusion. Even our bodies are illusions. To hate our brother is to lie about who you are, you are him and he is you.
One short sleep in the ancient garden: a bad dream we wake and we haven't moved we haven't died or even changed where distance and time have no meaning THIS is our true reality. It seems crazy then to be hurt by Maria's hatred. It doesn't even make sense.
She hates herself as I am her she is me.
Getting hung up on the pain is crazy. All those bodies all those egos coming to me but on the inside the same spirit. Why would I go back 33 years and feel pain? ffs, it's not at all rational. I feel the spirit come from all apparent people with apparently different egos and bodies. To pine after 1 person, in this transpersonal state seems mad. What has got into me?
I am lovely inside and out. People love me when our eyes meet. Now I begin my life. The past is gone, the pain is pointless, feeling left out hurt and bullied is madness. Also one day we will probably meet after this short journey and I will chat to her and have a joke.
A person wanted to push past, can I go? She said and saw me and laughed, I was dressed, she was so kind “I think you look lovely!”  she said “Thank you!” I replied. So when the spirit moves me I am not fussy over whom or how. When I practice the laws of attraction I never get to say how the source gives to me just THAT it does. So there's a parallel. None of us get to say how, or who it will be - it happens and the magic is there we can wait for it but never create it it is just there.
I think if I can get to Piscian transcendence in future my illness my depression has already ended. Just love remains. I can't stop the love!!
THE END.